Waiting In the Balance, and, Balance In the Waiting

Our life for the past couple months has been, well... strange. From the time we started the adoption process to the time we found out we were finally "a waiting family", there was this surging momentum. Every day we were doing something adoption related. Paperwork, home study, more paperwork, reading material, education classes, baby classes, trips to the post office, scanning things, more paperwork - we were steeped in it.

Now, with the initial paperwork (11 longs months of it) under our belt, there is this drop-off in activity. Yes, we're still reading and still praying, and even getting up the guts to try and make some Ethiopian recipes from our new cookbook, but really we're just... waiting. For an undetermined amount of time. As the process in Ethiopia continues to evolve due to recent changes, there really isn't a concrete way to estimate months, calculate a number, or plan ahead. And the stranger thing is this: I thought for sure the waiting would feel agonizing, but it feels more... airy. Does that make sense? It's this feeling like we're floating, like we left the ground but we haven't reached the other side yet. We're just sort of breathing it all in,  taking pictures of the view, and occupying our minds. We're fluffing our pillow, tucking our blanket around our feet, and making sure we're comfy, because we know it's going to be a while.

I don't feel like I'm just a wife anymore ("just" being totally a good thing). We've been asked enough parent-like questions and attended enough parent-like appointments that I definitely feel like we've left the newly-married, naive childless couple stage. However, I certainly don't feel like a mom either. I mean, how would I - I'm not mothering anyone. So I find myself trying to figure out this transition. I have no idea how long this will last, so I can't bookend it and just tell myself, "6 more months" or "3 more months". Nope, I'm just... floating. I find myself reading an adoption book, or picturing us as a family, or researching cloth diapers vs. disposable, or figuring out where I stand on certain parenting topics just to keep this whole thing in a frame, in the front of my mind. I almost feel guilty if I go a day without thinking of our future little one. "How horrible," I think to myself. "There's this big, life-changing, living, breathing (possibly?) human being that will soon be part of our family and you didn't even think about them today!" But then, if I think about it too much, if I run too far to the right, I become obsessed. For an undetermined amount of time! And then I find myself trying to run back to the middle and find that balancing point again so I stay somewhere perfectly centered on the pointed end of "we have a long way to go" and "we could be almost there".

So, I guess that is what rolls around in my head when people say, "How's it going?", or "Are you excited?!", or "Wow, can't be long now!" I don't mind those questions. They help connect me to the process again and feel a little less like I'm floating. But, it still feels weird. Ya know?

I guess in short, if you find me doing a lot of wriggling deep into the cushions, curling my blanket around me, and resting my head on that perfectly odd-shaped pillow, it's because that's the best way I know how to prepare for a long ride. I'll grab a book, a good cup of tea, and maybe ask if I could stretch my legs out on your side a little... just for a minute ;) And pretty soon, the terrain will start to look like what we've only read about, and we'll start to see signs that we're almost there. I'll get up to stretch my stiff muscles, and we'll look around and realize the day we've been dreaming about... floating toward... has finally made it's grand entrance - waiting for us to drop our bags and realize we're finally... finally there!