Sunday, February 21, 2016


The other day I was laying crouched in waste-deep snow for over an hour with my lens pointed in a specific direction hoping to capture a creature with four legs and antlers. What I failed to take notice of for all this time were the beautiful cardinals fluttering about all around me. Their bright red against the falling snow was so beautiful, and with some luck, I actually got one sitting still for a split second.

According to one site I found, the cardinal's name is "derived from the high-ranking clerics of the Catholic Church who wear rich red robes. The word comes from the Latin cardo, meaning hinge. Something that has cardinal qualities is so important that it functions as a keystone or axle; other things hinge around it." [Source]

I was thinking about my healing process, and how important the right doctors, professionals, environment, and medicine have been. How important it is to follow those researched and proven regimens and how beneficial they have been to getting healthier.

One of my good friends shared about trials in life, and that in the midst of them, that we might not lose our faith. Sometimes it's tempting to throw my hands up in the air and chalk it all up to another thing that doesn't work, or another thing that has failed me. But these verses were given to me (and used to drive me insane) and so I've decided to take them seriously each day, in addition to the professionals that I believe God created for a reason for our healing. In return, they have proven to be the absolute truth:

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." 

– Phillipians 4:6-7

I have experienced so many answered prayers, both large and small. Now when I see a cardinal fluttering about when I'm insistent on focusing on everything that isn't working, I will remember my hinge. My true peace.


Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Steadying the Canoe

Things with my physical and emotional wellbeing have been slowly getting better and I can feel healing sinking in deep. All the chaos of finding the right resources, tools, coping mechanisms, and help are slowly weaving together to create a peaceful and therapeutic setting. I could not be more thankful, truly so very thankful.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."

– Jeremiah 29:11-13

There is nothing like hitting your own personal rock bottom to re-prioritize things in life and do some deep reflecting. I know I am not out of the woods, but I've had several days of being out of the tangled pricker bushes. I'll take it. My doctor asked me if I wanted to make a small change to something we were trying and the look I gave her must have said it all. "I get it, you just steadied the canoe, we're not going to rock it again." Amen sister. Keeping the canoe steady and focusing on victory and peace.


Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Permission to Be Myself

"Always be a first rate version of yourself and not a second rate version of someone else."
–Judy Garland

I think one of the obstacles in going through a challenging time is acknowledging how deeply our personalities, strengths, and weaknesses play into how we process the situation. I have spent a little too much time beating myself up that I'm not a different version of 'tough', or that I don't have someone else's ability to gloss over something like it never happened.

The truth is, I feel deeply and I want to take things that are broken and make them new. I want to get an "A" in everything I do, so being ok with being in a "C" sort of place for a season is really tough for me. It can make me feel like a failure.

But then I remind myself that graded tests and papers and projects are not how life works at 30. I can't possibly ace everything, and if I'm really honest, failing miserably (my mental spin on the situation) is a chance for me to be humbled and more in touch with the truth of life and the people who are living it. 

I just keep praying that the fruit of this season is sweet kick butt amazing. I've already experienced so much compassion and grace from those in my close circle or supporters, so I have no reason to doubt that the God of all healing is working it all together for good. I just have to keep looking for it.


Sunday, February 7, 2016

Soul of a Warrior

"Whatever you are physically... male or female, strong or weak, ill or healthy--all those matter less than what your heart contains. If you have the soul of a warrior, you are a warrior. All those other things, they are the glass that contains the lamp, but you are the light inside."

– Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Truth and Originality

"Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it."

– C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity


Monday, February 1, 2016


I took my camera out today and as I flung it half-heartedly around my shoulder and stepped outside I realized that my lens is my "challenger". It's one of the ways I force myself to look at the world around me with a little more care and find a moment that I have to search harder for.

I looked back several weeks in my journal last night and realized that I have come such a long way in my healing process. It doesn't always feel like it in the day-to-day, but I can really see the growth if I flip several pages back. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm also not where I was, and there is so much hope and gratitude in that.

"Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

– Isaiah 41:10


Tuesday, January 26, 2016


"PHOSPHORESCENCE. Now there's a word to lift your hat to... to find that phosphorescence, that light within, that's the genius behind poetry."

– Emily Dickinson

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